Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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