So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
