Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
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