I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
