Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
