The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
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