I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize