I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
We were destined to go to rehab together
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
me + whiskey = a bad person
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
