Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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