I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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