fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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