She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
