take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
