Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
