I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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