What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
you had me at cake vodka
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
