I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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