and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
