I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
