i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
