Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
