His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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