I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
