I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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