remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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