I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
