I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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