that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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