this beer tastes like vomit already
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
