Four minutes until I can fart!
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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