I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
