You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
