Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
