I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
