Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Randomize
