maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
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