I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
