I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
