Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize