no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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