He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
