I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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