i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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