So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Found the puke drawer
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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