Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
