I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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