you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
we're so committed to being not committed
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
