I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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