I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
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