He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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