he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
