I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
