Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
