Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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