The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
