I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
