The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
