I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
