Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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