literally had 100 drinks last night.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
