So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
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