xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
