Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
He passed out mid-signature
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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